Today is just going to be some things to make you laugh
These are some one-liners from one of our favorite comics-
Mr. Steven Wright
- I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
- My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
- If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
- If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
- If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
- If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
- If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Have a Fantastic Day!